she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
