just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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