jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
