Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
