if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
