I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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