You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
