Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
