Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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