and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
