For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
