I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
