I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
