I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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