If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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