just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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