The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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