im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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