Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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