i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
