All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
