i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
