this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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