Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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