You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
