Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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