I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
