i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
honey bunches of taint.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
