Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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