dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
