All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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