When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
