Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
