You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
