Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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