I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
