Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
