Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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