is your mom at the bar?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
