My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
