Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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