yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
