So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
last night I used snow as a chaser
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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