I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
