I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
