Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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