K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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