I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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