If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Randomize
