I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
